There's a war in my bedroom. I hate bugs. LJ friends, I miss you. I have forsaken you. Fall always makes me want to write.

just shy of 28 and a gray hair has been found. I repeat, a gray hair has been found.

Went down to KZ on Saturday for the 'back to school' party at Apre. You had to dress as a student or a teacher.



only the most perfect short shot ever!
( Goin' back to schoo ooo ooooooo ooool, Again! )

I have made it official that I am leaving Japan. The papers were due on friday, and on thursday I circled the terrible 2 that says I am choosing to NOT re-contract. My heart stopped, my eyes got all watery, and I got really really depressed.

I think I've known from the start that 3 years would be the magic number for me here in Japan. But, now that the 3 is almost over, I'm kind of wondering where the time went.

I love my job. I love the students. I love my japanese co-workers, for the most part. I love the amazing people I have managed to meet and become friends with because of this crazy whim that I had...

I am leaving a good solid job with good benefits to go home to a crap economy. And I have no idea what I am going to do when I get there. There are so many places I'd love to see my life go to, but how do I get there? I have no clue. None. Not a single one.

Definitely freaking out.

Definitely.

I'm waiting for the next twist of fate to point me in some kind of a direction, or at least give me a hint. But, I have a feeling its not coming this time.

Going to Hiroshima! Hope you all have a happy holiday season. It doesn't even feel like Christmas to me. Last Christmas away from home.

Before I say anything, I would like to state that there will be some political viewpoints tossed around in here, and if you feel like you are the kind of person that is going to get their knickers in a twist because my thoughts are different from your own... or just because my thoughts are different I am in some way attacking your views and opinions, then just glide on by baby, because I don't feel like dealing with that shit, thank you!

With that said:

I am currently sitting on my bed, here in my apartment in Japan, where I have pretty much been camped out the past three days sick as a dog, surrounded by kleenex and tea cups... and maybe a pizza box. Maybe. I admit to nothing.

As a little aside I would like to mention that I love my supervisor. She showed up at my door a little while ago, bringing gifts of kiwi, oranges, and chocolate... possibly the best chocolate I have ever tasted. It was the sweetest thing ever, and I want to get her a really cool big present sometime soonishly just because she rocks.

I spent today cursing CNN in between naps as I constantly refreshed my red and blue map, trying to get the live feed which was NOT AVAILABLE IN MY REGIONAL AREA. Gee, thanks CNN. THANKS A LOT. Of course, now that they've processed things and actual videos are up I've been able to see the speeches, and yeah - I can admit to getting a little misty eyed as I watched Obama's speech. Yes, we can. It gives me hope. I think it gives the American people hope. We are a nation of under dogs who somehow found our way to the top, a nation where people still have the benefit of dreams, of aspirations.

Most of the people I talked to before the election were undecided. Worried that Obama may be a little too liberal, a little too fresh. Worried that John McCain was going to end up kicking the bucket his first three days in office and we'd end up with Sarah Honey (someone else's nick name for the woman, not mine, but it makes me laugh) as the president.

Deep down I am really one of those people that think it's important to vote regardless if you are voting for the person I support or not. But I think its important to have an INFORMED vote. I remember when I was working in the americorps in maine, I heard someone talking about the election and how they werent going to vote for Kerry because they didn't want an ugly first lady. Really? Seriously? The economy is going down the drain, we are in the middle of a war, on the verge of an energy crisis... and you are worried about what the first lady is going to LOOK LIKE? THIS IS YOUR MAIN CONCERN. Needless to say, there are some people I will never understand, and I'm okay with that.

The past couple of days I've been getting a lot of politically geared forwards in my inbox... mostly from people that I ONLY get forwards from, but that's a tangent and a soap box for another day (and really, for the most part I'm okay with that because at least I know they are still alive. I know I suck at communication). And they were all pretty much anti Obama. One was a supposed letter from David Letterman about how the American people keep talking about how they are not happy with the state of affairs, and then goes on to list all of these luxuries american citizens have: Air conditioning, hot water, the right to vote, shelter, jobs, insurance, health car, material possessions, freedom of religion (strangely kind of low on the list. I find it kind of funny that AC was the first thing to be ticked off) etc. And apparently, because we are 'not satisfied' with the state of affairs, or with America, or with the Government, we are an ungrateful group of people. Personally, I think this is bullshit. So, David Lettermen, if you did actually write that, I think you are full of bullshit, and way to miss the point entirely. We are a nation for the people by the people, so if 67% of this nation's citizens who were included in this poll thought there was an issue, then maybe, just maybe there is a problem here you aren't willing to see. Yes. Living in America we have a lot of privileges, but that doesn't mean we should turn a blind eye to all the crap that is WRONG with our nation, because we are comfortable. Our nation is a nation that was set in place TO BE OVERTHROWN. Now, I'm not saying form a coup or anything... I'm just saying open your eyes and realize there is a lot more to being an American Citizen than having CENTRAL HEATING. Ahem. People are comfortable. It makes them complacent. People are afraid of change. It makes them look the other way. People are afraid of losing their comfort...

There was also one that was a video of a woman who was interviewed after an Obama rally, and she was saying how she couldn't wait until Obama was president because then she wouldn't have to worry about her mortgage, or about paying for gas... and yeah, she kind of missed the point, too. I can give you that. Dad has called him Convincing John, and I think dad has a point, too. People like to simplify things, to not bother computing the complicated. Our problems are not over just because Obama is the president elect. Some of them may just be starting. But I think it's a step in the right direction. Right now we need change (yes, that word is everywhere) and Obama is the only change we are going to get.

But that doesn't mean it's going to be easy. It doesn't mean it's only uphill from here. Fixing our economy? That's going to be a lot of hard work That's going to threaten the comfort that we are used to. A lot of people aren't going to be happy. But there is no quick fix, and that's just the way it is. Life isn't about the quick fixes. It's about digging your heels in and showing what you're made of.

I think I have this fear that people think Obama is going to be able to solve all of our problems... overnight. Perhaps, to simplify this fear since people like simple, I could say that I have this fear that people are stupid.

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! -- Balboa

Okay. I think I will happily fall off of my soap box now...

And, in closing I think my mom is a pretty cool lady. She said if she owned a newspaper, today her front page would be a picture of Martin Luther King, Jr, and that the headline would read "I had a dream. Forty-Five years later, that dream came true."

Oh, and the little ghetto princess in me really wishes 2pac was around for this. Ten years later, we are ready to see a black president. Am I proud to be an American? Yea. I'm pretty proud.

We gotta make a change...
It's time for us as a people to start makin' some changes.
Let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live
and let's change the way we treat each other.
You see the old way wasn't working so it's on us to do
what we gotta do, to survive. -- 2pac

Change? Yes, we can.

My dad's the engineer on the train :D My dad? He is the shit. Yes, he is.

I have been thinking way too much lately. I think it's the way of the pisces, but sometimes I wish I wasn't such a stereotypical fish (and in a lot of ways I'm not... except for this one). All this thinking never gets me anywhere except for more thinking, with perhaps a side order of depression.

I need to figure out where I'm going to go after this, and maybe it's too soon to start stressing about it, but it's there in the back of my head, and the stressing is happening subconsciously.

I know it's time for me to leave Japan. I really don't care about learning the language, there are so many reasons why it is time to GO. But, I love my job. I don't think I could ever really say that before. And for the amount of bitching I did before this year started, what with all the changes made to my schedule with out them TELLING ME, I have never been happier.

I was leaving work today and a random teacher came up to me and asked if I was interested in flower arranging. Now, granted – Im really not. BUT, the one regret I kind of have is not doing something really Japanese while Ive been here, and well, here was my chance to do something so I said yes. Sometime this weekend I will probably regret this, but for now, it is something new and I am excited about it.

The other weekend I went to an open house at the aviation school at the airport and was accosted on all sides by people that I knew. One my friends friend’s was there and kept joking around about how I am famous.

It's hard to go anywhere without seeing someone I know, usually in kid form but adults, too. Because of the way I teach, The only students in wajima that I haven't taught at one time or another are the seniors in highschool. That's a lot of kids. That's a lot of people.

I really feel like for the first time in my life I have carved out a niche for myself in the community I live in. It was never like this in Maine where I was supposed to immerse myself in the community around me. I know I have an advantage here, being foreign and different. But the tables could have easily have turned the other way and it could have been a major disadvantage. I am lucky that I was placed in a welcoming open community. Yeah, it pisses me off sometimes, but on the whole, it's awesome.

And leaving that? Leaving that is probably going to be the hardest things I will ever have to do no matter how much I know it is time to go.

I want to see Sheila's house, I want to be a part of my families lives again. I guess part of me wishes New York, Maine, and Wajima weren't quite so far apart.

And going from a place where I feel so at home, and so content overall, into the great unknown of the future is terrifying.

I have no idea where to go, what to do. I don't even know where I WANT to go, or what I WANT to do. Im being pulled in a lot of different directs and it makes me feel kind of pukey.

This was basically a long ramble... but at least it was an update.

In other news. I really need to tackle my apartment.

I am so ridiculously looking forward to Halloween, it isn't even funny. More to come.

Cyndi is not the biggest fan of people at the moment.

I have to write about mom's trip.

I have to write about cutting my hair off.

I have to write about work.

I have to write about life in general.

I have to write about being fat.

But, instead, I give you the two songs I can't stop listening to at the moment.




and this one that I can't embed.

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DEATH TOYOKO! They put those gross white shrimp things into my free onigiri.

Time for momazilla and babyzilla to take over japan. Everybody cross your fingers!

I am quickly running out of time before I have to leave to meet mom (or, leave to spend the night in KZ wherein I will see DARK KNIGHT! before getting up at the ass crack of dawn and to catch a train to meet mom), and one word is running through my mind. WHY?! Why WHY WHY?!?!?!? Why did you not haul out over the month of July like you had planned to... instead of cramming a months worth of work into 24 hours. Not so smart, loo hoo. Not so smart.

I have a dream of losing a crap load of weight before I leave Japan... mainly so I can just throw out all my clothes and not have to bring anything back with me really.

I am sad that I am missing the circus at home.



mourning the dead as only a Longo could.

Mom sent a lot of pictures from the wake. Even one of Gram in her casket... oh so temped to post it, but I will not subject you to my morbid curiousity.

I need to stop procrastinating now.

I am so ridiculously frustrated right now it isn't even funny. The BOE is dicking me over and if my apartment wasn't such a mess there is a good possibility I would be giving them the international up yours sign as we speak and saying Sayonara, bitches.

This office used to have three ALTs in it. Joel did mainly elementary school, while Andrew and I did mainly junior high school, with elementary schools thrown in when we weren't scheduled other places. We all had a splattering of preschools and kindergartens as well. Well – now we are down to two people and the Powers that Be for some reason decided that I will be stuck doing ONLY elementary school. W.T.F. DONNY. This is me not being impressed. This is me not being impressed at all. In fact... this is me sitting here with smoke coming out of my ears and fire out of my eyes...

The only reason I decided to stay in Japan for a third year was because of the relationships I have been able to form with my Junior High School students, and the teachers I teach with. I could honestly say I loved my job. I loved being at JHS, and being able to do elementary school as well. But now, I am not looking forward to this year at all.

I have tried to speak with my supervisor and tell her what the dealio is, have even have had conversations with her over what I thought the best idea for the schedule would be (which would be that both of us do both ES and JHS. Why? Mainly so we don't get burned out... which is what is going to happen to me and fast. Elementary school is so much work). My supervisor listens, makes changes, and then talks to someone else and it gets all messed up again. I could cry. I'm not even kidding.

They have reasons for the way they are setting it up, but they don't make any sense. One of them is that they magically decided that my level of Japanese was supposedly higher than new kid's (new kid is older than I am, but he's new, so I get to call him new kid) and that therefore it would be easier for me in elementary schools. I call bullshit. One, my Japanese sucks. The world knows. I can order a pizza over the phone, but that's about it. Two: I started out in elementary schools when I had NO Japanese, and I was fine. Why the hell is this person who is older than me being babied? My hand was never held through the teach process. Why should his be. Its ridiculous.

Anyway, so I talk to my supervisor about it a couple weeks ago and she comes into the office the next day and is all "Cyndi! Good news! You can go to JHS!"

WELL, apparently that meant I can go to ONE jhs ONCE during the next term WITH new kids. Bull. Shit. They also have him scheduled to come to some ES with me for training. FTS. No. I am not a person to train with. I fly by the seat of my pants. And DON'T send someone in with me to a school I've never really gone to. Its ridiculous. I am so pissed off.

I was like... 'you said I could go to JHS', and was all 'maybe next term'. Maybe in Japanese means no.

It also frustrates the fuck (sorry mom) out of me that she speaks English to new kid but still speaks fast Japanese to me. WHAT THE HELL. She is the nicest sweetest person ever, why the hell is she ruining my life? I just want to curl up into a ball in my AC and say F the world.

In other news, my Gramma Kremin died... I'm having a real hard time trying to process it. Part of me is expecting to get a phone call with someone saying she wasn't actually dead and that she just sat up wanting to know where her orange soda is. There is no way I can go home for the funeral. I thought about it for a little while, but the wake is this Thursday, the funeral is this Friday, and then mom flies out to see me on Saturday. That's right. The day after she puts her mother in the ground she needs to get on a plane for the longest flight of her life (side note: Gram actually told mom not to go to Japan because `they killed us`. Sigh.)

I try to appease my guilt for not being able to be there by saying if it had been Gramma Longo, I wouldn't be going home either, and wouldn't think about going home either... but then I feel more guilty because I wonder if Im just telling myself that so I don’t feel so guilty. I feel like if I were home it would be easier. Yes, there would be a lot of other family crap to deal with because we all know how easy it is to get our heads stuck up our asses at times like these, but it just isn't going to sink in that she is gone without the communal grieving process. I was sitting here the other day thinking that it sucked that I couldn't go to the funeral, but that I would talk to gramma about it the next time I came home. Right... because that makes sense.

Im going to try and do a shoddy recording of a song so I can at least be a part of the ceremony even though I cant be there. But, I feel a little pretentious about it and Im worried and stressed about how it will turn out.

Add to all of this that gramma has been in a nursing home for the past 7 years and every time I went to see her she was less than nice (Yes. Gramma. Im fat. Get over it!). And its hard to let go of all that shit, because really – who can blame her. She was old and ornery and probably lonely, and a million other things, and really its not worth the energy wasted focusing on all of that shit instead of the amazing grilled cheese sammiches (yes. Sammiches) she used to make, or the random sleepovers, or how she used to drive me bat shit crazy whenever I would go someplace with her. (Cyndi... take that flannel off from around your waist. No, gramma.. Cyndi... I'll give you five dollars if you take that off. I don't want your money, gramma. Oh... Cyndi. I'm cold. Will you put your flannel around my shoulders? Nope. But I can give you your cardigan if you want.. – That was also the day the bee stung me behind my ear within five minutes of getting to the faire. Great times). But there were good times, and some not so good times that are easy to laugh about not...

And I remember how she kept saying this person "had sugar" and that person "had sugar". It took me forever to realize she was talking about diabetes.

But yes, Goodbye Grandma Kremin. One day it will sink in that you are gone. You were right, You tried.

In mom's words: after many years of illness Claire Hedwiga Grabowski Kremin was ushered into heaven with angels...and a look of surprise on her face.....8 pm on Thursday 7th.....

In conclusion I would like to say this sucks and it would be great if the world would stop shitting on everyone I know. Is the mercury in retrograde or something?

OH, and to add the stress, I dont think there is any way in hell my apartment is going to be clean by the time I have to leave to meet mom in tokyo. time to go puke!